In Relationships

By Jeff and Sue Allen

We usually don’t think much about comparison – we just seem to do it automatically. In fact, many of us are the same, from the instant we see or meet others we do it. We have this filter that compares ourselves with others with the basic question, “am I better than this person or beneath them?”, or even the most current one which seems to be “do they have more than me or less than me? Are they going to take something from me or will I take something from them?”

For many of us this has become an automatic mechanism and we don’t realise we are doing it, yet one of the main weapons of our ego to set up distance and separation and therefore fear. Our ego does not care if we are above or below others just so long as we do not see ourselves as equal to others. When we have compared and therefore separated, many things can happen between partners or family members or even races, but the one thing that can’t happen is love.

To have love, even true love for another person, is always to see them as equals. Maybe, they have evolved further than us in certain aspects of their lives, maybe they have areas of scarcity, maybe they are in crisis, but they are still our equals. Everyone is still our fellow man/woman. As we see others as equals the love, caring and the solutions can grow and manifest in our lives and in our world.

Therefore, it seems obvious that comparison is a tool for separation and distancing and therefore when used in any problematical situation it just creates more problems. The current immigration situation is a good example of how a lack of equality has resulted in resentment on all sides. Even more than this, as A Course in Miracles teaches, comparison leads to hatred and hatred also manifests as self hatred – they always go together. For many of us self hatred is a deeply hidden and destructive emotion in every area of our lives, for as we attack others we hate, we attack ourselves to the same degree.

So comparison stands at the top of a very long and slippery slope. It may not seem like a big deal in itself, but giving up comparison is the first small step of the path to living a heartfelt life, to loving and being loved, to living in peace and bonding as we all take our place in the flow of life. We do need to be aware and vigilant as so many voices are shouting for us to compare: branding, social media, news feeds, educational institutions and even religions.

Comparing yourself to others that live by creating this separation is not the solution. Let’s look to ourselves and start within and become that caring loving person who brings change and peace to our world.

If you like Jeff and Sue’s article, you’ll love their relationship book “How Love Works” (available on Amazon).

Jeff and Sue Allen run trainings, counselling and business consultancy in the UK, Europe and the Far East. Married for 33 years, they are authors of the ultimate relationship guide “How Love Works”. They also hold regular online workshops and are committed to your happy relationship. For further details of events, help with relationships or questions about any of the principles in their book visit or email

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